the place i have built as my fear-fort

this is not just change.

2009-01-06T06:52:01Z

tonight was fairly warm.
i stepped out onto the roof instead of smoking through the screen door.
the city looked more empty than usual-- there seemed to be buildings missing, trees cut down.
in the dark i imagined the vast expanse of sky, the more majestic views with each new height reached.
i finally noticed things do not extend upward as far as i thought.

there is so much room for growth.

catchthesun @ 2007-06-28T18:23:00

2007-06-28T22:29:11Z

as much as i wish you would stay,
i like waking alone
with bits of last night stuck under my fingernails
and my eyelids.

acknowledgement

2007-05-06T23:37:30Z

sweat
1. verb: to like or adore
2. verb: to have an affinity for
3. verb: to be drawn to physically and sexually, an intense form of having a crush

the company i keep

2006-12-15T15:15:33Z

spend all balmy night on 'the Jupiter'

and you really might believe this could be the sea.

catchthesun @ 2006-11-16T16:42:00

2006-11-16T21:42:44Z

i know i've said i'm ok with the idea
of better-fleeting-than-never
but really, this is just too much.

how foolish, to have thought i deserved to feel

something. so. grand.

catchthesun @ 2006-09-01T05:14:00

2006-09-01T09:36:06Z

like being punched in the gut.....

i wanted to die for a minute there.

that this should be

.so .universal

catchthesun @ 2006-08-30T15:50:00

2006-08-30T19:51:28Z

you're fucking welcome.

catchthesun @ 2006-08-28T02:49:00

2006-08-28T06:51:16Z

rob brezsny, you lying shithead--
where are my big feelings?

i need an avalanche

catchthesun @ 2006-06-28T12:42:00

2006-06-28T16:42:22Z

what is happening?

catchthesun @ 2006-02-01T10:39:00

2006-02-01T15:59:44Z

i don't really know what i want to say

there's just so much lately
that hasn't made it on here
hasn't made it out of my head even

mostly, how now i think i know
that i was right all along

but what if i'm wrong

because it's not as easy now
to find the things i feel
where before they were jumping out

i just don't want to be holding back.

catchthesun @ 2006-01-05T09:37:00

2006-01-05T14:38:58Z

it's been so long now
i'm getting accustomed to this
maybe it can be good

i'm not ready to go back
i just want to be alone
i don't expect you to understand

catchthesun @ 2005-12-29T10:59:00

2005-12-29T16:30:46Z

/i've been so good

//at pushing it way back

////but this can't last

/much longer

///and that dream you had....

/i feel that

////about you.

show me evidence of its brilliance

2005-11-29T14:45:56Z

suddenly i feel like
i just want to keep all these things for me.

because they're bound to be outdone
because being nice makes me feel duped

and now there will be days when i just can't be around
it's bad enough i can't listen to those songs anymore

you know, some of them are my favorites

some of them might have been ours.

catchthesun @ 2005-11-28T10:29:00

2005-11-28T15:35:42Z

i cried this morning.
i don't want november to end.

i.just.don't.know.what.i'm.going.to.do

tell me sweet little.....

2005-11-15T15:01:19Z

i know i'm right

i just wish you couldn't say
that i've done it before, too.

non. .sense

2005-11-14T19:17:57Z

i should have stayed awake then

should have asked if i could come

maybe showered shorter
and not assumed that was the sound of the alarm clock

it's probably mostly my fault

catchthesun @ 2005-11-02T16:07:00

2005-11-02T21:12:10Z

why

can't i just know

that everything will be

ok?

(because really, i felt it change that day)

catchthesun @ 2005-10-28T16:55:00

2005-10-28T20:56:51Z

i had forgotten about these feelings
cold brick against my thigh, waiting for the bus
glasses fogging, joints stiffened

slow thaw

if i were a snowperson i would long for the cold
for the day someone would scoop up my insides,
patting firmly to form my plump parts

this is really nothing, i swear

2005-10-27T16:20:45Z

i wonder if that sound in your voice was what it seemed...
a sudden and desperate affirmation when doubt creeps in,
in order to keep this feeling from falling

if i could see your face right now it would be in your eyes, i am sure
although followed by downplay, avoidance of admission
still, with just enough perceivable truth

but i cannot say that. i cannot say any of this anymore.
i have no way to prove that my feelings don't lie to me.
at least not this much.

if they would leave then you could cry

2005-10-20T14:51:04Z

one day:
i will feel that way, too

even more:
i will be felt that way about

i just thought,
maybe i wouldn't have to look for it again so soon

but it's ok.

i feel pretty good.

october

2005-10-19T20:16:51Z

i hate feeling like i need.
but i just want as much as before

no more.

for the bad to start slowing
and the good to rush. hard.

you see, i have only one source.

a pond. a great lake, even.
but still not a river

it's just i've always hated stationary bodies of water.

where am i?

2004-05-26T20:59:37Z

they're playing those songs again
the ones that remind me of you

and there is no breeze through the window today
but still i know you would love it

this city feels like it could feel like home
but without you here, how am i supposed to know?

maybe i will never see it again
maybe i will never see it like this again

i am amazed by everything, everything new
and yet sadder than i could have imagined, missing you
and i am used to extremes.
right?

but this just may be too much

catchthesun @ 2004-05-20T23:19:00

2004-05-21T03:41:06Z

soon:

my guitar won't be resting beside yours
i won't see you when i wake up in the middle of the night

i'll be out there
with your camera and your flowers

and you will be here still when i get back, i know...
but that doesn't make it any easier

i've never left anyone i cared about this much
for this long

what if i forget how soft your fingers are
or how seeing you smile a certain way makes me almost unable to breathe...
or how to make you smile that way

but i know i will remember
and coming back to you will be the most amazing happiness
and we will ride to the edge of the city, to a place we have never been before
only to ride home again, and lay close, and rediscover what we have known all along

pretend i'm crazy

2004-05-09T17:57:47Z

this is the perfect example of:
trying to understand but can't

two systems .small holes too similar .positioned perfectly for those faults to fall _right_ through

i try cover, but there are only so many fingers for so)many))holes
and my hands are not yet trained for this

and maybe they will come apart
leave each other, becoming now pegs in their perfect peg slots
becoming now the only things that will ever pass through
finding that the absolute perfect darkness is actually quite ====bright

and there will be no gaps

and there will be no questions

and....probably not, i know

but even without,
even if never,
i will love.
so much.

so much.

so much.

so much.

so much.

like i love now.
so much.

haligh, haligh

2004-04-24T05:43:13Z

i don't want

chasing days
///
///
drawing back
//
no-action-reaction

i know my subconscious well enough by now
i will be waiting

i want to put things in places where they don't belong
i want to run away from something and toward something else
i want sadness to smell like this always

but most of all

i want this.
i want this now.
i want this.
for now.