the place i have built as my fear-fort

tonight was fairly warm.
i stepped out onto the roof instead of smoking through the screen door.
the city looked more empty than usual-- there seemed to be buildings missing, trees cut down.
in the dark i imagined the vast expanse of sky, the more majestic views with each new height reached.
i finally noticed things do not extend upward as far as i thought.

there is so much room for growth.

as much as i wish you would stay,
i like waking alone
with bits of last night stuck under my fingernails
and my eyelids.

sweat
1. verb: to like or adore
2. verb: to have an affinity for
3. verb: to be drawn to physically and sexually, an intense form of having a crush

spend all balmy night on 'the Jupiter'

and you really might believe this could be the sea.

i know i've said i'm ok with the idea
of better-fleeting-than-never
but really, this is just too much.


how foolish, to have thought i deserved to feel

something. so. grand.

like being punched in the gut.....

i wanted to die for a minute there.





that this should be

.so .universal

you're fucking welcome.

rob brezsny, you lying shithead--
where are my big feelings?




i need an avalanche

what is happening?

i don't really know what i want to say

there's just so much lately
that hasn't made it on here
hasn't made it out of my head even

mostly, how now i think i know
that i was right all along

but what if i'm wrong

because it's not as easy now
to find the things i feel
where before they were jumping out


i just don't want to be holding back.

it's been so long now
i'm getting accustomed to this
maybe it can be good

i'm not ready to go back
i just want to be alone
i don't expect you to understand

/i've been so good

//at pushing it way back

////but this can't last

/much longer


///and that dream you had....

/i feel that



////about you.

suddenly i feel like
i just want to keep all these things for me.

because they're bound to be outdone
because being nice makes me feel duped

and now there will be days when i just can't be around
it's bad enough i can't listen to those songs anymore



you know, some of them are my favorites

some of them might have been ours.

i cried this morning.
i don't want november to end.






i.just.don't.know.what.i'm.going.to.do

i know i'm right


i just wish you couldn't say
that i've done it before, too.

i should have stayed awake then

should have asked if i could come




maybe showered shorter
and not assumed that was the sound of the alarm clock


it's probably mostly my fault

why





can't i just know


that everything will be






ok?








(because really, i felt it change that day)

i had forgotten about these feelings
cold brick against my thigh, waiting for the bus
glasses fogging, joints stiffened

slow thaw


if i were a snowperson i would long for the cold
for the day someone would scoop up my insides,
patting firmly to form my plump parts

i wonder if that sound in your voice was what it seemed...
a sudden and desperate affirmation when doubt creeps in,
in order to keep this feeling from falling

if i could see your face right now it would be in your eyes, i am sure
although followed by downplay, avoidance of admission
still, with just enough perceivable truth

but i cannot say that. i cannot say any of this anymore.
i have no way to prove that my feelings don't lie to me.
at least not this much.

one day:
i will feel that way, too

even more:
i will be felt that way about

i just thought,
maybe i wouldn't have to look for it again so soon



but it's ok.










i feel pretty good.